new year

Happy New Year!! i hate January because i always forget to write the new year's date on my checks....i had a really really great Christmas. the kiddos and i went home for the holidays (home being Ms) and i saw my dad's new house for the first time. i won't go into all the details, but the kids had a blast, i had a blast, and i didn't want to leave!!! i really hate saying goodbye to my daddy and my brother. ahhhh it hurts. but dad is planning on visiting me sometime after my trip and i will see Daryl next this summer...btw, he proposed to Ginger on Christmas Day and they HAVE set a date but i can't tell b/c i am sworn to secrecy until they tell HER dad. i am so excited for him and i know i will bawl my eyes out...Brooke and Brandon are going to be flower girl/riung barer and my hubby is supposed to be a groomsman. oh, here's what I got for Christmas.... some perfume, a jewelry box, and...........A CRUISE!!!! yehawwww!! we are going to Grand Cayman and to Cozumel in Feb. the kiddos are going to stay with my inlaws and they will go to Disney while we are away...so we're ALL getting a vacation!! woohooooo. although i must admit that i am dreading being on the water b/c i am terribly claustrophobic and the thought of being surrounded by empty ocean petrifies me. (because the ocean really isn't all THAT empty ya know!??!) and the fear is stifling.
so i went to put Christmas flowers on my mother and brother's grave on Christmas and while i was there, my uncle david pulled up. at first i was like "huh??" and then it dawned on me. his dad. my pawpaw. as he sat on the bench in front of pawpaw's grave i saw tears running down his face. i patted him on the back and half hugged him and he choked out these words..."i just miss him and had to come down here on Christmas". me, being the way i am, couldn't think of anything else to say other than, i understand. then i got in my car and cried because it dawned on me that i do. understand. and god, it hurt. i missed my momma more this Christmas than i did LAST Christmas. dad played a video that had my mom on it...just saying "hey!" in her silly voice with a silly momma smile....and i'd forgotten what she sounded like.....and god THAT hurt. i'd FORGOTTEN what my MOM sounded like. i can close my eyes and see her smile. i can close my eyes and smell her. i can close my eyes and see her walking....but i can't close my eyes and imagine her voice.....and up until then i didn't realize why. it hurts....to know that i won't hear her voice speank to me ever again. i won't hear her voice change with age. i won't hear her choking out and "i love you, be careful" when i leave home after a visit. i won't hear her sing that little song to my children ever again.....the one voice that i long to hear....can only be heard from a screen...and i can't touch her face as she says it.....i can't touch the memory