when words don't work

December 19, 2007. couldn't breathe. the weight of the awful reality that my brother was gone forever choked all thoughts from my head and left my heart in mangled mess.

July 20, 2000. an umbilical cord tying her to me cut off all response...the first time that i was to feel this pure, unadulterated feeling of being permanently attached to someone who had never asked for my love in return.

August 9, 2001. alas, it can happen twice in a lifetime! this squirming little mess of body fluid and new life gasped his first breath...and with it stole my ability to speak. the only reponse to this rush of fierce, protective love were my tears.

April 22, 2004. the sense of soul shattering disbelief that my mother was gone left me feeling weak and weary with life's ability to steal my voice and replace it with salty, stinging tears.

these are moments in my life that take your breath away. these are moments in which there were no words can describe a feeling. the only response that a body can allow are tears...or breathlessness. seconds....minutes....hours....sometimes days and months of mind numbing FEELING.

in moments like these, (if you're lucky) you learn what life is all about.

life is about love and loss. life is about learning to appreciate what is there, when it is there. it's in the gentle curve of my children's cheeks...the whisper of their breath as I watch them sleep. it's in the laughter that seeps beneath their bedroom door. it's when i hang the phone up after talking to my dad. it's when i watch my brother's truck drive away. it's when i see my father in law take a tumble or have a seizure. it's when i watch my mother in law smile even when i know she has been hurt by someone she loves. it's sitting on the couch piled up with my family watching TV and doing nothing.

it's falling asleep each night knowing how much I love...and how much I am loved in return.

When words don't work... Those are moments that speak the most to me...

and those are the ones worth speaking about.