old friends...still.....friends??

i have this....friend. we've been friends since i can remember. growing up we did everything together.... from sharing the same bed, skipping school, reading (and enjoying) the same books, sharing clothes, you name it, we did it... together. so i moved away the summer of my junior year and things really haven't been the same since. as expected, we grew apart. she married and divorced my cousin (who was ALSO part of our BFF trio...) and now she's dating/living with/engaged (whatever) to this guy that we knew in high school. i'm married, living in SC, have two kiddos, and we write, sporadically. (well, i write) and every once in a while, i get a nice surprise in the mail. now, my question/problem, whatever you want to call it (as i have no definition for it) is this......why am i holding on to a ghost of a friendship?? i have asked myself this time and again (as in, everytime i sit down to write her and everytime i stick that stamped envelope in the mailbox) and the last time we saw each other, she introduced me to someone as "my best friend". admittedly, it was awkward for ME to hear that as we really don't KNOW each other anymore. i know she likes sushi, i know she is a clotheshound (enviably so as she has an amazing sense of fashion...Carrie Bradshaw sense, you know...and i think she's blessed for it! since i have enough fashion sense that it could fit into my pinky finger...) i know she likes a good book (although i no longer know the latest genre she's in to) i know she has amazing green cat eyes and i know her smile is reminiscent of Cameron Diaz. other than that, i know nothing about her. and in a way it makes me sad. on the other hand, she knows nothing about me (other than i love to read, eat too much (still!!) love to sing at the top of my lungs, and that i also love sushi, oh and the fact that i have little fashion sense...haha!!) what i WISH she knew about me could fill a novel..(a series to be exact...) other than knowing my kiddos names, she knows nothing else about them. she knows that Brandon and i had the ROUGHEST of first years of marriage (as she was privy to more than she should've been, my fault there...) but what she doesn't know is what bugs me. the fact that my kiddos are wonderful and sweet and smart....she doesn't know ANY of the funny things they say and do on a daily basis, she doesn't know that while Brandon and I still have our problems, we are happy and we are finally doing well.....she doesn't know that my dog is the bane of my existence (most days) and she doesn't know the names of any of my friends. i miss her and her fat smile laugh. i miss the way we could be corny and sing the wrong words to a song (and still INSIST we have it right..) i miss the way she would raise her eyebrow when she didn't agree with you or just thought you did something really stupid. i miss, the old us. and i guess thats why i write. i am trying to hold on to a ghost of a ghost, and it's not easy to do. but she is the one part of my past that i can't seem to let go of and frankly, no matter how many times i tell myself i should, i don't want to. yesterday was her birthday....so happy birthday to my old friend.....


tomorrow IS another day

i had the third worst night of my LIFE last night (but i am ALIVE to tell of it) although, i WON'T tell too much because, frankly, it's not much of your business now is it? (yes, can you tell i am working on a total of about 1 hours sleep last night???? not to mention constant porcelain prayers and the beating that my bum took last night. arghhhh i am mentally and physically drained (but only a handful of you will get to hear about whhhhyyyy and i know the suspense is wearing at you like a rat gnawing on a piece of wood....)
my boy swallowed a MARBLE last night and i spent my time between 7 and 11 sufficiently freaked, wondering if the thing would roll back up (as marbles DO roll you know) and choke him. my fears were put to rest though when i heard a little *ding* in the pot this morning. and my boy is fine.
funny though how when it feels like your world is falling apart, a snuggle with your baby can make you feel so much better. just thought i'd write that down so I would remember it in case of disater.....
gotta scoot, boy is out of storytime and i have a most IMPERATIVE visit to the bathroom that i need to get to....


moving on?

so my dear ole husband has ANOTHER job offer. this time in Houston, Tx. he had his phone interview this morning and he said it went great and that they asked how far in advance would he need to know if he could come out to Tx for a sitdown. (he said a week) now, my Q was, so will they also fly your family out?? (my fingers are crossed here b/c i don't want to end up MOVING somewhere in which i have never even been. (only seen pix of and quite frankly, that spaghetti mesh of interstates terrify me, so i can only IMAGINE what they will do to my no sense of direction husband~~) luckily, on THIS end, i clean house for a lady who is straight out of Houston, so maybe i can get a few tips from her if the time actually comes that i need them....but trying not to think so much about THAT just yet. although i already AM stressing about leaving the few really great friends i have made since i've been here. one in particular i feel extremely close to b/c we have (almost eerie) so much in common.....i got super lucky in finding her and i i DON'T want to (or think i even COULD!)find a Tx replacement for her.......wahhhhhh!!!!

the kids have a new fav song and they have been singing it almost non stop and it's too funny....it's the BEP song (Humps) and they sing the "she's got me spending.....oh spendingall your money on me and spending time on me...."!!! too cute!!!

arghhh have ta go, my bladder is about to pop....


admitted addict

as i poured my second cup of coffee this morning, a thought breezed across my still fuzzy with sleep mind.....
i've spent my life running from addiction..it runs in my family you know. not running, only the addiction part. and i'm reaching back one generation, but still, addiction is there....i've always been scared of allowing myself to become dependent on "things". same with tylenol, cold medicine, or any over the counter drug, i would rather suffer than take it. my maternal grandfather was (is) a hypochondriac...and i have this silly fear that if i give in to a pain or ache and take medicine, then I will become one in turn. (i'm beginning to realize that this pattern of STRANGE thinking and overanalyzing comes from my PATERNAL grandfather...HAHAHA) anyhow, long story short (as if..hehe) i realized that like it or not, i HAVE inherited some of my family's undesirable traits, but now those traits are in MY hands and i can make them into something good. so i am admitting it to you.
i am an addict.
there it's said and i'm not taking it back.
i give up, i tried not to get hooked on coffee, but i find myself craving that warm vanilla taste every morning. again in the afternoon, and once again arond 4:00(thanks to Delight ok...no dad, i still don't like it black) i neeeeeeed it and i've decided, heck with it and i am NOT giving it up.
i am addicted to cheesy girlie movies with HOT men that i can OOOHH and AHHH and over OUTLOUD and i don't care HOW orgasmic it sounds because, well, i won't go there..
i am addicted to sappy songs about children growing up, about long lost lovers being reunited and about married people actually being happy (a myth and you can't convince me otherwise...)
i am addicted to my kiddos hugs and their laughter.

and i am addicted to not becoming the kind of addict that runs in the family.

~~~~oh, funny thing happened the other day. it was near dark and i was sitting at a red light when i noticed the guy beside me didn't have his lights on. having paid a $40 fine for the same offense once before, i thought i'd be nice and wave to let him know....
well, when i actually LOOKED at him to try and get his attention, his finger was being swallowed by his nose!!! he happened to look at me in that precise moment. (awkward, lemme tell ya! )he was surely embarrassed about being caught digging and I was embarrassed at being caught WATCHING him dig. (a real turn on it was...LOL!) i wonder if HE still flushes with embarrassment when he thinks of being caught...even if he still dwells on "the night i was caught with a finger up my nose"... one thing i learned from this, never pick your nose in public....(carry THAT ditty around in your pocket and pass it on to your children....)