old friends...still.....friends??

i have this....friend. we've been friends since i can remember. growing up we did everything together.... from sharing the same bed, skipping school, reading (and enjoying) the same books, sharing clothes, you name it, we did it... together. so i moved away the summer of my junior year and things really haven't been the same since. as expected, we grew apart. she married and divorced my cousin (who was ALSO part of our BFF trio...) and now she's dating/living with/engaged (whatever) to this guy that we knew in high school. i'm married, living in SC, have two kiddos, and we write, sporadically. (well, i write) and every once in a while, i get a nice surprise in the mail. now, my question/problem, whatever you want to call it (as i have no definition for it) is this......why am i holding on to a ghost of a friendship?? i have asked myself this time and again (as in, everytime i sit down to write her and everytime i stick that stamped envelope in the mailbox) and the last time we saw each other, she introduced me to someone as "my best friend". admittedly, it was awkward for ME to hear that as we really don't KNOW each other anymore. i know she likes sushi, i know she is a clotheshound (enviably so as she has an amazing sense of fashion...Carrie Bradshaw sense, you know...and i think she's blessed for it! since i have enough fashion sense that it could fit into my pinky finger...) i know she likes a good book (although i no longer know the latest genre she's in to) i know she has amazing green cat eyes and i know her smile is reminiscent of Cameron Diaz. other than that, i know nothing about her. and in a way it makes me sad. on the other hand, she knows nothing about me (other than i love to read, eat too much (still!!) love to sing at the top of my lungs, and that i also love sushi, oh and the fact that i have little fashion sense...haha!!) what i WISH she knew about me could fill a novel..(a series to be exact...) other than knowing my kiddos names, she knows nothing else about them. she knows that Brandon and i had the ROUGHEST of first years of marriage (as she was privy to more than she should've been, my fault there...) but what she doesn't know is what bugs me. the fact that my kiddos are wonderful and sweet and smart....she doesn't know ANY of the funny things they say and do on a daily basis, she doesn't know that while Brandon and I still have our problems, we are happy and we are finally doing well.....she doesn't know that my dog is the bane of my existence (most days) and she doesn't know the names of any of my friends. i miss her and her fat smile laugh. i miss the way we could be corny and sing the wrong words to a song (and still INSIST we have it right..) i miss the way she would raise her eyebrow when she didn't agree with you or just thought you did something really stupid. i miss, the old us. and i guess thats why i write. i am trying to hold on to a ghost of a ghost, and it's not easy to do. but she is the one part of my past that i can't seem to let go of and frankly, no matter how many times i tell myself i should, i don't want to. yesterday was her birthday....so happy birthday to my old friend.....

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