9.16.2006

questions, always questions

My stepmom's sister, Bonnie, is in the hospital. She was admitted on Thursday after she passed out at home and stopped breathing....two times. She was brought in and her family was told that she'd had a heart attack. She regained consciousness and seemed to be stable when she pretty much just crashed. hard. She is now in a coma, on a breathing machine (life support technically), and the doctor's can't explain what is wrong with her. There has been talk of an irregular heartbeat, but nothing certain.

So there lies a 36 year old mother of three. Two girls, 15 and 13, and a boy, 2 weeks old. A good mom. A stay at home mom who has homeschooled her children, teaches them the basics of life and church and a belief in God. An amazing example to her daughter and other young moms around her.

See her? There she lies in a hospital bed, her fate unknown and her life depending on the electric lines that keep her machines on.

I have had a number of things happen in my life that lead me to question God and His "plan"....I spend much of my days wondering where exactly do I fit in in His great big scheme of things. Why do GOOD people die, so senselessly, unexpectedly, or so terribly.......when there are child molesters, rapists, perverts, murderers....who contribute NOTHING to humanity, who go on to live for YEARS? Where is the justice? What is the reason? I have heard SO many times that "God has a plan" "There is a reason for everything"......but after losing my brother so unexpectedly....quickly...and then losing my mother so slowly, painfully, and terribly.....I am at a rope's end trying to understand the meaning of it all.

Sure I"get" that we all live, and in order to "live" we all must one day die. But why is it that so many of the good people I know and love are the ones leaving before the "bad" people I know? There are people in my own famliy that I sometimes scratch my head over as I see them doing horrible things...living horrible lives....yet they are whole and healthy.

And why WHY do I get stuck tossing questions like this over and over in my head. Is this MY purpose in life? To be constantly searching for the answers to questions that I know can never be answered in the way that I want them answered? Why is my heart, MY soul in a constant unrest missing my mom, my brother......is it MY purpose to keep their memories alive? to remind the people that I love that my mom and brother didn't LIVE in vain....that I still think about them and miss them everyday?

I just want to find MY purpose.....and after the 9 years that my brother has been gone, 2 my mother....I still feel like I am wandering aimlessly through life.....doing things that don't add up to much, not contributing enough to the world around me....not doing MY part as a human. I remember how inherantly GOOD my mom and brother were, and I know that I am not like that. I wish I could be and I am constantly trying to find a way to make a difference in SOMEONE'S life. But would I KNOW that I were making a difference?

I'm just tired of questioning God.....sifting through my list of reasons......and they all fall short of good enough for me.

I worry today for Bonnie. For Hannah, Lindy, her husband and her new baby boy. This family that is being ripped down the center over something that is above their control....I worry for those girls who will surely have questions....and I worry that they will end up like me.

Cynical, searching for faith and something to believe in........and questioning everything I do.......

1 comment:

lorimscd said...

HA! do you know what a difference you've made to ME!? seriously!!!!
XOXOX