i'm sitting here listening to the fisrt elimination of AI, wondering WHY the heck they force the girl they just booted from the show to RE-perform the song that she totally sucked at the night before. is it just to say.."and HERE'S why she's going home" or what? b/c the Maxim girl just proved WHY she's going home 2night. now that i have that off of my chest, hi! we finally replaced our computer so i will be online a bit more now. since my last post a lot has happened. January went by really quickly since we were preparing for our trip. we were busybusy all of last month and now i can't believe we are already HOME from our vacation! all of that preparing and it's already over. ok, my trip....we had a realllly great time (not counting a few minor, ok major, mishaps..) but overall, AMAZING! funny though how i dreaded getting on the boat and actually being in the middle of the ocean (no visible land....ughhh), i honestly could have forgotten we were on a boat! we had an amazing room with a great balcony, good food every day, we made some great new friends and had some really great experiences. Brandon swam with the stingrays. i tried but chickened out so i just took pictures! (some really good ones too!) we got in some good shopping, although i really hated Cozumel, i did love the shops there! oh and my luggage got lost when we disembarked. yes, just ONE piece and it was all of MY clothes. but, 4 days later we were called to let us know that it was found at Tampa airport. we were no where NEAR tampa airport....so hopefully R.C. has mailed it to us already. i miss my clothes.....wahhhhh. while we were cruising, the kiddos stayed w/ brandon's parents and they went to Disney (Magic Kingdom, Animal Kingdon, and MGM) they, of course, had a great time and Brooke saw the crowning of the princesses for the first time. i think it's the 100th anniversary celebration or something so the castle show is different and my MIL told me that Brooke was speechless! she tried talking to her during the performance but Brooke didn't even hear her! oh i wish i could've seen her face. i missed them both like M.A.D and i was sooo ready to get back to them, but i have to say that the week to ourselves was really great. it was nice to be just Alisha and Brandon for a week...it was like a second honeymoon (only MUCH more interesting....hehehehehe) and that's all i have to say 2nite...so g'night!

new year

Happy New Year!! i hate January because i always forget to write the new year's date on my checks....i had a really really great Christmas. the kiddos and i went home for the holidays (home being Ms) and i saw my dad's new house for the first time. i won't go into all the details, but the kids had a blast, i had a blast, and i didn't want to leave!!! i really hate saying goodbye to my daddy and my brother. ahhhh it hurts. but dad is planning on visiting me sometime after my trip and i will see Daryl next this summer...btw, he proposed to Ginger on Christmas Day and they HAVE set a date but i can't tell b/c i am sworn to secrecy until they tell HER dad. i am so excited for him and i know i will bawl my eyes out...Brooke and Brandon are going to be flower girl/riung barer and my hubby is supposed to be a groomsman. oh, here's what I got for Christmas.... some perfume, a jewelry box, and...........A CRUISE!!!! yehawwww!! we are going to Grand Cayman and to Cozumel in Feb. the kiddos are going to stay with my inlaws and they will go to Disney while we are away...so we're ALL getting a vacation!! woohooooo. although i must admit that i am dreading being on the water b/c i am terribly claustrophobic and the thought of being surrounded by empty ocean petrifies me. (because the ocean really isn't all THAT empty ya know!??!) and the fear is stifling.
so i went to put Christmas flowers on my mother and brother's grave on Christmas and while i was there, my uncle david pulled up. at first i was like "huh??" and then it dawned on me. his dad. my pawpaw. as he sat on the bench in front of pawpaw's grave i saw tears running down his face. i patted him on the back and half hugged him and he choked out these words..."i just miss him and had to come down here on Christmas". me, being the way i am, couldn't think of anything else to say other than, i understand. then i got in my car and cried because it dawned on me that i do. understand. and god, it hurt. i missed my momma more this Christmas than i did LAST Christmas. dad played a video that had my mom on it...just saying "hey!" in her silly voice with a silly momma smile....and i'd forgotten what she sounded like.....and god THAT hurt. i'd FORGOTTEN what my MOM sounded like. i can close my eyes and see her smile. i can close my eyes and smell her. i can close my eyes and see her walking....but i can't close my eyes and imagine her voice.....and up until then i didn't realize why. it hurts....to know that i won't hear her voice speank to me ever again. i won't hear her voice change with age. i won't hear her choking out and "i love you, be careful" when i leave home after a visit. i won't hear her sing that little song to my children ever again.....the one voice that i long to hear....can only be heard from a screen...and i can't touch her face as she says it.....i can't touch the memory

downtime

i am impatiently holding my breath for Jan to get here. what is it about the holidays that i get so worked up about????!??! isn't it supposed to be a happy time that is spent breathing in the new smell of winter, lazily driving through neighborhoods to ooh and ahh over the lights of Christmas....??? but ,alas, i have been spending MY time stressing over what to get everyone and how much to spend (or rather, how little i HAVE to spend this year...lol) and honestly, i am t-i-r-e-d of it ALL already. when did this happen? when did the holidays become a chore?? granted, i LOVE buying for my kids....and i love their faces when they open "just what i always wanted!!"..and i love itwhen they fall asleep clutching that "must have" toy. it all comes back to.......the greatest evil in the world. yep, green backs. george washingtons. franklins, jeffersons. greenspots...whatever you want to call it....it's the money that gets in the way of my "tis the season..". i buy a gift for family wondering is it enough? am i spending too much on one person and not enough on the other?? where is that line in the sand that everyone else keeps talking about??? argh. if only i could go back to being the kid whose only worry was growing up and NOT getting any presents...or having to stay in the kitchen cooking Christmas dinner and not being able to enjoy playing and being lazy...my kiddos look forward to Christmas carefreely (is that a word??) and what i wouldn't give to go back.
at least until January

no good

i am not one of those inherently "do-good" people. i don't automatically put the needs of others before mine, i don't let someone else go first if I were there first, in all honesty, i don't pay much attention to people around me, i don't drop money in the salvation army bucket every time i walk past, i don't buy girl scout cookies, and i never stop at fundraiser car washes......oh get that horrified expression off of your face. while i admit my shortcomings in this area (believe it or not, i have a mile long list of them, but i won't go there today) i will also admit that i wish i were one of those "mommy complex" women...the nurturing type that is always on the look out for a hungry mouth, an empty pocket, a lonely smile. i've noticed that some of my friends are that person. my mother in law is that person. my mother was that person. will i ever get there?? am i too selfish to be THAT person?? now that i've admit how thougtless i AM , here is the good that i do. i say thank you far too often for things that may not even warrant a thank you. i overtip. i open the door for the old lady behind me. i hold the door for the mom with the big stroller and one kid lagging behind. i volunteer at my daughter's school. i give away things that i could probably sell and make decent money on. i hug every kiddo in Brooke's class when i walk her in on Friday morning.....i do an odd assortment of nice things that give me a little bit of comfort that maybe....i'm not all that bad at doing good

old friends...still.....friends??

i have this....friend. we've been friends since i can remember. growing up we did everything together.... from sharing the same bed, skipping school, reading (and enjoying) the same books, sharing clothes, you name it, we did it... together. so i moved away the summer of my junior year and things really haven't been the same since. as expected, we grew apart. she married and divorced my cousin (who was ALSO part of our BFF trio...) and now she's dating/living with/engaged (whatever) to this guy that we knew in high school. i'm married, living in SC, have two kiddos, and we write, sporadically. (well, i write) and every once in a while, i get a nice surprise in the mail. now, my question/problem, whatever you want to call it (as i have no definition for it) is this......why am i holding on to a ghost of a friendship?? i have asked myself this time and again (as in, everytime i sit down to write her and everytime i stick that stamped envelope in the mailbox) and the last time we saw each other, she introduced me to someone as "my best friend". admittedly, it was awkward for ME to hear that as we really don't KNOW each other anymore. i know she likes sushi, i know she is a clotheshound (enviably so as she has an amazing sense of fashion...Carrie Bradshaw sense, you know...and i think she's blessed for it! since i have enough fashion sense that it could fit into my pinky finger...) i know she likes a good book (although i no longer know the latest genre she's in to) i know she has amazing green cat eyes and i know her smile is reminiscent of Cameron Diaz. other than that, i know nothing about her. and in a way it makes me sad. on the other hand, she knows nothing about me (other than i love to read, eat too much (still!!) love to sing at the top of my lungs, and that i also love sushi, oh and the fact that i have little fashion sense...haha!!) what i WISH she knew about me could fill a novel..(a series to be exact...) other than knowing my kiddos names, she knows nothing else about them. she knows that Brandon and i had the ROUGHEST of first years of marriage (as she was privy to more than she should've been, my fault there...) but what she doesn't know is what bugs me. the fact that my kiddos are wonderful and sweet and smart....she doesn't know ANY of the funny things they say and do on a daily basis, she doesn't know that while Brandon and I still have our problems, we are happy and we are finally doing well.....she doesn't know that my dog is the bane of my existence (most days) and she doesn't know the names of any of my friends. i miss her and her fat smile laugh. i miss the way we could be corny and sing the wrong words to a song (and still INSIST we have it right..) i miss the way she would raise her eyebrow when she didn't agree with you or just thought you did something really stupid. i miss, the old us. and i guess thats why i write. i am trying to hold on to a ghost of a ghost, and it's not easy to do. but she is the one part of my past that i can't seem to let go of and frankly, no matter how many times i tell myself i should, i don't want to. yesterday was her birthday....so happy birthday to my old friend.....

tomorrow IS another day

i had the third worst night of my LIFE last night (but i am ALIVE to tell of it) although, i WON'T tell too much because, frankly, it's not much of your business now is it? (yes, can you tell i am working on a total of about 1 hours sleep last night???? not to mention constant porcelain prayers and the beating that my bum took last night. arghhhh i am mentally and physically drained (but only a handful of you will get to hear about whhhhyyyy and i know the suspense is wearing at you like a rat gnawing on a piece of wood....)
my boy swallowed a MARBLE last night and i spent my time between 7 and 11 sufficiently freaked, wondering if the thing would roll back up (as marbles DO roll you know) and choke him. my fears were put to rest though when i heard a little *ding* in the pot this morning. and my boy is fine.
funny though how when it feels like your world is falling apart, a snuggle with your baby can make you feel so much better. just thought i'd write that down so I would remember it in case of disater.....
gotta scoot, boy is out of storytime and i have a most IMPERATIVE visit to the bathroom that i need to get to....
toodlesssss

moving on?

so my dear ole husband has ANOTHER job offer. this time in Houston, Tx. he had his phone interview this morning and he said it went great and that they asked how far in advance would he need to know if he could come out to Tx for a sitdown. (he said a week) now, my Q was, so will they also fly your family out?? (my fingers are crossed here b/c i don't want to end up MOVING somewhere in which i have never even been. (only seen pix of and quite frankly, that spaghetti mesh of interstates terrify me, so i can only IMAGINE what they will do to my no sense of direction husband~~) luckily, on THIS end, i clean house for a lady who is straight out of Houston, so maybe i can get a few tips from her if the time actually comes that i need them....but trying not to think so much about THAT just yet. although i already AM stressing about leaving the few really great friends i have made since i've been here. one in particular i feel extremely close to b/c we have (almost eerie) so much in common.....i got super lucky in finding her and i i DON'T want to (or think i even COULD!)find a Tx replacement for her.......wahhhhhh!!!!

the kids have a new fav song and they have been singing it almost non stop and it's too funny....it's the BEP song (Humps) and they sing the "she's got me spending.....oh spendingall your money on me and spending time on me...."!!! too cute!!!

arghhh have ta go, my bladder is about to pop....

admitted addict

as i poured my second cup of coffee this morning, a thought breezed across my still fuzzy with sleep mind.....
i've spent my life running from addiction..it runs in my family you know. not running, only the addiction part. and i'm reaching back one generation, but still, addiction is there....i've always been scared of allowing myself to become dependent on "things". same with tylenol, cold medicine, or any over the counter drug, i would rather suffer than take it. my maternal grandfather was (is) a hypochondriac...and i have this silly fear that if i give in to a pain or ache and take medicine, then I will become one in turn. (i'm beginning to realize that this pattern of STRANGE thinking and overanalyzing comes from my PATERNAL grandfather...HAHAHA) anyhow, long story short (as if..hehe) i realized that like it or not, i HAVE inherited some of my family's undesirable traits, but now those traits are in MY hands and i can make them into something good. so i am admitting it to you.
i am an addict.
there it's said and i'm not taking it back.
i give up, i tried not to get hooked on coffee, but i find myself craving that warm vanilla taste every morning. again in the afternoon, and once again arond 4:00(thanks to Delight ok...no dad, i still don't like it black) i neeeeeeed it and i've decided, heck with it and i am NOT giving it up.
i am addicted to cheesy girlie movies with HOT men that i can OOOHH and AHHH and over OUTLOUD and i don't care HOW orgasmic it sounds because, well, i won't go there..
i am addicted to sappy songs about children growing up, about long lost lovers being reunited and about married people actually being happy (a myth and you can't convince me otherwise...)
i am addicted to my kiddos hugs and their laughter.

and i am addicted to not becoming the kind of addict that runs in the family.

~~~~oh, funny thing happened the other day. it was near dark and i was sitting at a red light when i noticed the guy beside me didn't have his lights on. having paid a $40 fine for the same offense once before, i thought i'd be nice and wave to let him know....
well, when i actually LOOKED at him to try and get his attention, his finger was being swallowed by his nose!!! he happened to look at me in that precise moment. (awkward, lemme tell ya! )he was surely embarrassed about being caught digging and I was embarrassed at being caught WATCHING him dig. (a real turn on it was...LOL!) i wonder if HE still flushes with embarrassment when he thinks of being caught...even if he still dwells on "the night i was caught with a finger up my nose"... one thing i learned from this, never pick your nose in public....(carry THAT ditty around in your pocket and pass it on to your children....)

where's the tech?

arghh. i've been fine the last few months computerless, but i am beyond frustrated now. i'm (this) close to calling my computer guy and just buying ANOTHER powerbox (that will prob blow again within a month, mind you, but will giveme access to MY computer AT HOME for that month anyhow....) .......big red is about to visit and is not being nice on the nerve endings. the hub is driving me crazy (crazy like finger nails scraping down the chalkboard), the dog (nothing new here) is still caught in the middle of love/hate in my brain...weighing the odds of giving in and actually LIKING the dern mutt, kids......are KIDS!!! but THEY are the one (two) things that i don't really MIND driving me crazy because i luuuurve them and, well, they are kids and that's what they are supposed to do (not to mention, they poop in the pot, put their own clothes in the basket, rake their own dishes out, and give me out of the blue baby loves, so maybe that helps...) all i need 2day was to add some sort of worry to my life, the 100 house i clean for called yesterday and left a message saying "i'm on my way to the mountains and i will call you when i get back on Mondday" why did she call?? did i do something wrong?? AM I FIREDDDDDDD!??? or does she just want me to give her my amazing recipe for eggrolls??? ahhh the inner workings of a mind on the edge. now i'm dying for Mon to get here so I can call first thing that morn and not interrupt her mini-vacation. T'giving coming up and the ENTIRE in'law family is coming in.....sis inlaw wants to go to Biltmore, but i really don't want to spend 40 bucks on a big museum that i've already been to. and MIL doesn't want to go b/c it will take an ENTIRE day away from the kiddos (who she only gets to see once every 4 months or so....) (yes, the men are expected to stay here w/ them as the kids would go insane with boredom (as will i most likely)).......once again,. my worry itch has kicked in full force. although it would be cool for the kids to go to the wooden McD's w/ the "magic piano again.....hmmm
ok, i'm bored of typing so, until next time, this is Alisha, signing off for WLMTHA!!!!!! (don't ask)

you can never go back, but do you ever really leave?

back home. that's still a phrase i use to describe the place i left when i married Brandon. home was a red brick house with green shutters in a small subdivision on the outskirts of Grenada. home was a "double living room" that had once been half a garage but had the wall knocked out to add on to the living area. home was an electic mix of furniture that usually didn't match, orange shag carpet that was a backache to vaccuum, spaces full of what nots that never seemed to be dusted well enough. a cramped bathroom that 5 of us shared. the kitchen. oh that kitchen. my favorite room in the house because of the many laughs housed in that small room...oh the money i would give to have just ONE more meal at that table. mom cooking enough to feed half an army and dad telling funny stories that we've heard too many times to count but for some strange reason they would elicit the biggest belly laughs from each chair. i can close my eyes and picture it as yesterday. but i can't go back. physically......but funny how my heart, although it's here in my own home with my own children....a big hunk of my heart still walks in that sliding glass door and sits down at that old table....laughs again at my dad...i roll my eyes as Ricky stuffs too much food into his mouth.....i watch my mom get everyone settled with all the food on the table and i watch her stay busy even as everyone else has started eating. she finally sits down with one leg tucked in under her bottom.......my first family. my home. for better or worse it will always have that piece of me, and i will always have a piece of it..........and i carry it everywhere i go....

tomorrow would be my mom's 44th birthday....so here i say to her, i miss you more than my heart allows me to admit and more than my tears can release. i love you mom