admitted addict

as i poured my second cup of coffee this morning, a thought breezed across my still fuzzy with sleep mind.....
i've spent my life running from addiction..it runs in my family you know. not running, only the addiction part. and i'm reaching back one generation, but still, addiction is there....i've always been scared of allowing myself to become dependent on "things". same with tylenol, cold medicine, or any over the counter drug, i would rather suffer than take it. my maternal grandfather was (is) a hypochondriac...and i have this silly fear that if i give in to a pain or ache and take medicine, then I will become one in turn. (i'm beginning to realize that this pattern of STRANGE thinking and overanalyzing comes from my PATERNAL grandfather...HAHAHA) anyhow, long story short (as if..hehe) i realized that like it or not, i HAVE inherited some of my family's undesirable traits, but now those traits are in MY hands and i can make them into something good. so i am admitting it to you.
i am an addict.
there it's said and i'm not taking it back.
i give up, i tried not to get hooked on coffee, but i find myself craving that warm vanilla taste every morning. again in the afternoon, and once again arond 4:00(thanks to Delight ok...no dad, i still don't like it black) i neeeeeeed it and i've decided, heck with it and i am NOT giving it up.
i am addicted to cheesy girlie movies with HOT men that i can OOOHH and AHHH and over OUTLOUD and i don't care HOW orgasmic it sounds because, well, i won't go there..
i am addicted to sappy songs about children growing up, about long lost lovers being reunited and about married people actually being happy (a myth and you can't convince me otherwise...)
i am addicted to my kiddos hugs and their laughter.

and i am addicted to not becoming the kind of addict that runs in the family.

~~~~oh, funny thing happened the other day. it was near dark and i was sitting at a red light when i noticed the guy beside me didn't have his lights on. having paid a $40 fine for the same offense once before, i thought i'd be nice and wave to let him know....
well, when i actually LOOKED at him to try and get his attention, his finger was being swallowed by his nose!!! he happened to look at me in that precise moment. (awkward, lemme tell ya! )he was surely embarrassed about being caught digging and I was embarrassed at being caught WATCHING him dig. (a real turn on it was...LOL!) i wonder if HE still flushes with embarrassment when he thinks of being caught...even if he still dwells on "the night i was caught with a finger up my nose"... one thing i learned from this, never pick your nose in public....(carry THAT ditty around in your pocket and pass it on to your children....)

where's the tech?

arghh. i've been fine the last few months computerless, but i am beyond frustrated now. i'm (this) close to calling my computer guy and just buying ANOTHER powerbox (that will prob blow again within a month, mind you, but will giveme access to MY computer AT HOME for that month anyhow....) .......big red is about to visit and is not being nice on the nerve endings. the hub is driving me crazy (crazy like finger nails scraping down the chalkboard), the dog (nothing new here) is still caught in the middle of love/hate in my brain...weighing the odds of giving in and actually LIKING the dern mutt, kids......are KIDS!!! but THEY are the one (two) things that i don't really MIND driving me crazy because i luuuurve them and, well, they are kids and that's what they are supposed to do (not to mention, they poop in the pot, put their own clothes in the basket, rake their own dishes out, and give me out of the blue baby loves, so maybe that helps...) all i need 2day was to add some sort of worry to my life, the 100 house i clean for called yesterday and left a message saying "i'm on my way to the mountains and i will call you when i get back on Mondday" why did she call?? did i do something wrong?? AM I FIREDDDDDDD!??? or does she just want me to give her my amazing recipe for eggrolls??? ahhh the inner workings of a mind on the edge. now i'm dying for Mon to get here so I can call first thing that morn and not interrupt her mini-vacation. T'giving coming up and the ENTIRE in'law family is coming in.....sis inlaw wants to go to Biltmore, but i really don't want to spend 40 bucks on a big museum that i've already been to. and MIL doesn't want to go b/c it will take an ENTIRE day away from the kiddos (who she only gets to see once every 4 months or so....) (yes, the men are expected to stay here w/ them as the kids would go insane with boredom (as will i most likely)).......once again,. my worry itch has kicked in full force. although it would be cool for the kids to go to the wooden McD's w/ the "magic piano again.....hmmm
ok, i'm bored of typing so, until next time, this is Alisha, signing off for WLMTHA!!!!!! (don't ask)

you can never go back, but do you ever really leave?

back home. that's still a phrase i use to describe the place i left when i married Brandon. home was a red brick house with green shutters in a small subdivision on the outskirts of Grenada. home was a "double living room" that had once been half a garage but had the wall knocked out to add on to the living area. home was an electic mix of furniture that usually didn't match, orange shag carpet that was a backache to vaccuum, spaces full of what nots that never seemed to be dusted well enough. a cramped bathroom that 5 of us shared. the kitchen. oh that kitchen. my favorite room in the house because of the many laughs housed in that small room...oh the money i would give to have just ONE more meal at that table. mom cooking enough to feed half an army and dad telling funny stories that we've heard too many times to count but for some strange reason they would elicit the biggest belly laughs from each chair. i can close my eyes and picture it as yesterday. but i can't go back. physically......but funny how my heart, although it's here in my own home with my own children....a big hunk of my heart still walks in that sliding glass door and sits down at that old table....laughs again at my dad...i roll my eyes as Ricky stuffs too much food into his mouth.....i watch my mom get everyone settled with all the food on the table and i watch her stay busy even as everyone else has started eating. she finally sits down with one leg tucked in under her bottom.......my first family. my home. for better or worse it will always have that piece of me, and i will always have a piece of it..........and i carry it everywhere i go....

tomorrow would be my mom's 44th birthday....so here i say to her, i miss you more than my heart allows me to admit and more than my tears can release. i love you mom

ahh i miss this

i spent today much like every other day of my repetitive life. woke up to a hateful alarm clock (which i hit about 5 times b4 i actually decided to force myself out of bed), stepped bleary eyed into the shower for a 3 min quickie (shower that is), threw clothes on and went about dressing my still asleep daughter for school. after wrestling her into clothes that needed to be ironed AGAIN, i mananged to *miracle*, wake her and get some sort of nourishment into her b4 i all but ran out the door at 745. she insisted i walk her in today and SHE HELD MY HAND!!! all the way to class. 3 laps around the walking track, home to get the boy, walmart to spend too much money and home again to stare at a mess that i can't quite convince myself to totally clean. so i sit here documenting it for future generations. *do i get a cookie for this??*
~i get this weird feeling every time i ride pass those small crowds of kids waiting for the school bus every morning. i see those fresh eyed little elementary kids whose head are up in the air and their eyes are clear, as if the world is holding their hand. then i see at the next block, the group of middle schoolers. children stuck in that awkward stage of trying to be cool while at the same time wanting to play "cooties" and run around bare foot and pigtails, but there's a hint of unsureness in the eyes of these. on teh next block, taller kids. high schoolers. in their eyes i see terror, a forced non-chalanceness, and a yearning...for what i don't think any of them can quite put a finger on. i remember each stage of growing up in THAT order. and i look at kids now and it's as if i can read what's going on in their minds, and i feel the utmost sorrow for them. for the confusion and floating feeling that i know they are experiencing. and i wish i could pass on a bit of knowledge to them....not academic, but bits of life that really are important....the things that you either feel happy with or regret 10 years later. the people who you become friends with and the people who you shun. the choices you make and the mistakes you could avoid....if only you were blessed with the insight that comes only with living....longer.
if only we could hold on to the worlds hand for a bit longer like those elementary kids.....life then wasn't complicated. feelings weren't a jigsaw puzzle that always seems to be missing 3 or 4 pieces. if only my eyes could be as clear as my 5 year old daughters. if only my heart were as judgemental as hers (there is no room for such nonsense in hers). if only my hopes and dreams were all still there waiting patiently to be claimed. watching my 5 year old daughter walk in those doors at school every morning i am content....to imagine the possibilities................

out of pocket, out of mind. literally

my computer farted big time on me this time and i (obviously)haven't been posting for way too long. (sorrrrry) but since the big boom, i have discovered something equally as interesting as blogging and web surfing. brace yourself. it's a little something i like to call, my life! yes, i have taken it back, reclaimed it from the world of .coms and .orgs. sigh. but i do miss my little bit of space i guess.
my kiddos are great. brooke had a birthday on the 20th and we went to see Charlie and the Chocolate factory (which is a fantastic must see!) see also got way too much stuff and i had to do a room overhaul to magically create some more space. she starts school on Monday and i am going to do my BEST not to cry at least until i walk out of her classroom Monady morning. i am reading a book, The Wonder of Girls, and i have to stop every bit because i cry! i am taken back to when i was young and the same feelings that i had when i was growing up.....the book reminds me that while i was once there, i have forgotten what it was really like to be her age. i know what lies ahead for her and her tender girls heart. .....ok i am way sentimental right now, so onto the boy. he will turn 4 on Tuesday and we are going to the museum to celebrate. my boy is growing too.......how do i stop the clock.......the days are sooo long, but those years.....they are far too short.

ok, i'm off, but now you nkow i am alive and i am well.....

i will say bye until some other time.....

tug'o war times two

dinnertime. Tarzan 2 in the DVD player. one kid is hungry (but only for mac n/cheese, extra milk please) , the other not (or too engrossed in his new movie to give his growling stomach a second thought). and me. the mom , torn between wanting to enjoy my hot bowl of food and wanting them to sit at the table sans any arguments (which doesn't allow for hot food). within the span of 4 minutes, i've (1) told the boy to get his bum at the table (NOW!), (2) the girl that no i will not warm her mac up, (3) the boy that he can sit in the living room but will have to finish his food sometime tonight or he won't get any popcorn during our Sat night movie, (4) the girl that no nana didn't make her mac with milk like mommy does and she'd better hush her whining or SHE won't get any popcorn, (5) revert to telling the boy that he better get his tail in his chair right this minute (or it's the room for you!), (6) back to telling my girl that if she'll hush i WILL put milk in her mac, (7) BACK to telling the boy that he's getting a spanking (and then, actually following up on that), listening to him cry at the dinner table, putting the movie on pause and...quiet. (why didn't i think of THAT in the first place??) all the while my MIL sat across from me prob thinking i am one spatic mom who can't make up her mind on how to control her grandchildren, my husband sat there pretending he can't hear a thing, and the dog making his rounds at the table begging for food. it's a constant tug of war in my head on how to properly discipline my children, and when i DECIDE on how to handle a situation, i usually feel like i messed up somehow. it's as if i forget how i handled the exact same situation the day before and i have to start all over again. on one hand i think i'm not hard enough (my stop that right now's! and 'one more time!!' warnings have started to wax cold...) and others, i think "oh my God, i have turned into some maniac monster mom that my kids will blame all of their shortcomings on someday. thing is, you never read about these moments in those new mommy books. they don't warn you that once you become a parent, you begin to doubt and second guess virtually everything you say and do. if i get mad at the driver in front of me and say something as simple as "STUPID guy! get off the road!" my daughter has fits, because "mommy, you're not allowed to say stupid becuase you can hurt his feelings" or "mommy said stupid!!!" and then commence to calling each other "stupid!! you are stupid!!" but my fav has to be when i get mad and just make a grunt or a shhhheeeesshhh, brooke fills in the silence with, "mommy was he a stupid driver?" what's it all for? has my effort been wasted on my momentary lapse of mommy etiquette? this tug of war in my head is the toughest game i have ever played. it's me against two little people about 3 feet tall, and many days i feel like they've won and i am lying face down in the mud. but i can't give up. every morning i tighten my grip a little bit more, my footing is a bit more sure. and the tug. well, the tug really isn't all that bad.

good days

Brandon is doing mucho better! he is getting out of bed and walking around, eating much better *he had salmon tonight!, which is such a nice change from the chick noodle of late* he looks very good and our fingers are crossed that he will be home by Wednesday!
my diet....arghh! i was hoping that since my MIL is here is would be eating better and LESS, but so far, not happening. blahhhh. been eating out for every meal and it's not helping at all!! i have this horrible habit of finishing EVERYTHING on my plate *leftovers of a youth when my mother would tell me to clean my plate and not to waste food*. so now when we go out for dinner i have this maddening urge to eat the leftovers off of my husbands plate also as he never even eats HALF of his 12.00 plate of food. so, to solve this prob, i have decided to order soup/salad wherever we go. the prob here lies within the bread i am brought to sop up the soup with. i've been reminded why i prefer to cook and eat my OWN cooking in the comfort of my own home. *note* as i am typing this, i am slurping up a bowl of vanilla ice cream w/ choco chunks in it. i am eating from a kids bowl, but once again, proving i have no self control.if i keep at this rate, i will NOT be fitting into my size 10 clothes much longer. Q...is a 10 piece spicy salmon roll healthy and good for you? hope so, because that's what i had for dinner. and yes, i finished all 10 pieces. although, my son did eat one for me!! self control is on the menu for tomorrow
ok reading...i've been adding some good books to my list lately. some not so, and others GREAT! i'll list a few off the top of my head and upload the pics in a bit. i'll also need to look up the authors, so i'll post those with the pics later!
ok....
"1776" by David McCullough. haven't finshed this one, but i have this fierce love of all things historical. THIS book is history at its finest. it's a story of a single year, 1776, the year of the birth of a great nation. David McCullogh brings fresh life to a year in history that is so often watered down in textbooks. i'm fighting the urge to skip ahead to the end...love love LURVE this book and i give it 5 out of 5 stars!
"The Devil Wears Prada", don't have the authors name on hand (Jane Green i think), but it was an ok book. entertaining but not compelling. disappointing end because i have no idea what really happend with the main characters life. i prefer to read books that leave no q's unanswered, this one didn't pull it's weight here. fun read about a she devil of a boss, but even there i don't think there was enough she'deviling, just a lot of complaining from her new assistant. 1.5 of 5 stars
"Little Earthquakes" by Jennifer Weiner. i've yet to dislike anything she has written. i'm halfway through this one and i'm loving it. very cute book about babies and how these "little earthquakes" can really shake your life up! the story of four very different women who become friends while preggo, their lives and secrets. great book to keep by the nightstand. 3.5 of 5 stars.
"The Historian" haven't started this one, but i'm impatient to so i think i'll add number 3 to my current reading list (i'm known to be reading more than one book at a time. one for bed reading *usually one that doesn't require much thought*, one for outside when the kids are playing and i don't have to have all 5 eyes on them so i can be totally immersed in a GREAT read, and one odd/end book that i carry in the bathroom with me ...umm too much info, but anyhow)
"Prep" by Curtis Sittenfeld. finally finished this one, but only out of sheer determination, hoping that i would get some great nudge of enlightenment along the way. didn't happen. i was lead tediously though the high school years of a very average, mostly exasperating girl. the only thing i liked about it was the end, when i found out what all of her old school mates were doing at 30...read the first and last chapter of the book, you won't be missing anything and you'll have gotten the jist of the entire book. and saved yourself a lot of time. half a star out of 5.

I know i've read a lot more over the past few weeks that i haven't been posting, but since i keep a list i'll get it out and give you my input later!!

I took the kiddos to the State Museum on Friday as a reward for being sooooo good while we were stuck in wating rooms last week. we had such a nice time and i have hope that my kiddos will carry on my love for learning and HOLD ON TO IT through their school years! i look back and regret a billion times that i let youth and friends take place over learning....maybe that's why i gorge myself on as many odd and ends that i can now! right now we are on a "planets kick" and i am relearning (is that possible or even a word??!) things about the galaxy and the worlds around us. right now, i am fascinated by Mars.....if life every really existed there and COULD life ever exist there again? it's fascinating really.
well i've gone on enough and i think i've written enough to last the week....last i want to say....
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO MY DAD! I love you and i miss you already....wish i could be there with you this weekend and give you and Daryl grief about not wearing a helmet on those dirt bikes!!!! now you've given me something else to worry about!!! i'm sending 10 hours worth of hugs and love your way..........

too busy, sick man, visitors (here's the nutshell)

Been a while since my last post and here is why. my hubby has FINALLY go tthe ball rolling with fixing his lung problem and the past 2 weeks have been spent with him being home and trying to keep this house in some sort of order! he is NOW at the hospital after having surgery this afternoon and is doing well but is in ICU for the night and hopefully he will be moved to a room tomorrow evening. thats THAT in a nutshell. my inlaws are here and my MIL will be here for about a month. my dad and sandra came this past weekend to check on B and to see me and the kiddos. thats THAT in a nutshell. right now i am way too tired to even be ON here, but i am waiting on an important email for my FIL so i am trying to stay awake, even though i have to be UP at 7 again in the morn. oh the joys of living on about 10 hours sleep streched out over a 3 day period. gone are the days of normalcy, welcome insanity. i'll try to make time to catch up and make my blog interesting once again, but for now, basics will have to do! shel, i hope you are having a great summer, you need to e-me soooooon! (as in right now)....read a few new books the past 2 weeks and will post those sometime when hubby is home and stuck in bed. i'll leave you w/ one......"One Sunday Morning" by Amy Ephron, i read good reviews of it, but was terribly disappointed b/c the book was precitable and a bit boring. a waste of an hour if you ask me, but try it for yourself and lemme know how you like! also, keep sending me YOUR reviews and i'll pass them along to my book club...i need a new list of good books as the one that i am working on hasn;t impressed me all that much,ahhhh i'm shutting up and i'm off to bed.

it's a zoo

this is a pic of the kiddos with their friend Brent taken last week at the zoo..i think it is toooo cute! my friend Melinda had a lot more pix but this one sums them all up so it's the one i decided to post! see how long Brooke's hair is getting?? we had fun (and yes i got another pistachio ice cream! i really need to find out what brand they sell at the zoo b/c i lurve it!)
THE SUN CAME OUT TODAY!!!! that statement is deserving of all caps! the ground was still is bit yucky so we didn't go to the park, but we have Pooh Park in the plans for tomorrow...Brandon's going with us for the first time so hopefully he will feel like a walk in the woods b/c the kiddos (esp Brooke) have been begging to go and "search for waterfalls" can't wait to get out tomorrow!!!
weird news...freak me out news.....ok, you know that i cleaned a few houses when i lived in Fl while the kiddos were at pre-k? (boredom buster and easy money in my rainy day pile) anyhow, i cleaned for this man whom i thought was just a sweet lonely older man...he was on disability so he didn't work...he seemed a little odd but then who isn't odd in some way nowadays. anyhow, last night my mother in law (who knows him) called me to tell me he'd shot a woman and there is an APB on him in Panama City....!!??!??!??!?!what the!??! had me really freaked to know that the week before i moved here i cleaned his house for the last time, and when i moved, i'd passed it on to an older friend of my MIL's and she has been cleaning it since! no one knows why he did it (did he just snap or something!!?) but it's really weird b/c he always seemed like such a nice man!!!! ughh so glad i didn't give him a Christmas card afterall...
we cut open our first watermelon of the season today and it was yumyum! the kids wanted theirs cut into "big moons" and even Hobbes got in on the action! i got some really cute pics, but as i took them with a disposable, you can't see them!! nanana
hubby has been home all week long so naturally it's felt sort of like a vacation so i haven't gotten anything substantial done around here. take that back, i scrubbed my stove today and mopped the floors and cleaned the bathrooms. but not 4 hours after i did it all, my house is a zoo once again. arghhh the joys of being a wife and mom

long week...end??

ah this week will be the longest in history. nasty weather out so that cancels most most of our playdates. stuck inside but i won't give in to the rain!!!! so i am thinking of taking the kiddos to the State Musuem tomorrow. so that will knock out about 4 hours tomorrow.
my brother in law and his girlfriend were here for the weekend and it all went pretty well. i was up in knots about him bringing a stranger into our home, but surprised to find out that i had met her last year at my hubb's company pic-nic. she's a nice girl...and we had a very good time!
Brandon had his Dr appt 2day and (surprisesurprise) he has to wait until the thoracic Dr gets all of his (spread out EVERYWHERE) records b4 he can schedule anything. PLUS since brandon has bronchitis, he can't do anything just yet anyhow. we DID find out that the surgery will take 4 hours and he will be in the hospital 4-7 days, maybe more.my MIL will DEF be coming and staying a while and that is GREAT! yehawww...i am just ready for him to be FIXED.
my writing is very mundane and blah today, which is quite the reflection of how i am feeling. see what the great INdoors does for me!??
i'll post the books i read last week in a bit...and post the ones that i got 2day and will start on THIS week.
OH and i am checking into getting my realtors liscence. i want to do SOMETHING when the kiddos start school that doesn't require a lot of hours...we'll see.
does anyone know when the next season of nip/tuck starts?
and i just have to write about this...the other day the kiddos were making their own lunch (bologna and cheese) i asked them if they wanted mayo or mustard on their sandwich and brooke (as usual) wants only mustard (but "not the sandy kind") and i just HAD to laugh when bub said, "I only want a lot of man'days mom. jus' man-days (mayonaise) hehe. sooo cute. i love the way kids put their own spin on words...