have you ever had a day that you feel that you should just cry from the peacefulness that surrounds you? in this moment....i feel like that.
2007 was a very tough year for us. financially, emotionally, and physically...I learned that worry can age you like nothing else can. i spent the year getting by each day on very little sleep, worrying about money issues that were beyond our control, questioning my life, friendships, and other relationships, in ways that I never had before. i learned many lessons last year, not only about myself, but about the people I surrounded myself with.
2007 ended on a tear and I welcomed 2008 on a few as well.
After learning that B got a new job back home in Florida, I felt that I could loosen my belt a bit and actually BREATHE for the first time in a very long time. Unfortunately at that same time, I was forced to deal with the fact that many of the relationships that I'd spent time building over the past few years, weren't exactly what I'd worked them up to be in my heart and mind. In a time that I should have been bouncing off the walls with happiness and planning some sort of going away party....I was left on my own as my husband made his way to Florida a few weeks ahead of us to find a home.....and people that I considered friend, cut me off without rhyme or reason. I spent so much time worrying, crying, fretting, and trying to figure out what I could do to fix it...to fix, ME.
On the word of a very wise friend, I continued to hold my breath for the something better that moving promised me. Skeptical, I was....knowing the way I felt during my last month in South Carolina....I carried on and dealt with my life there as well as I could figure how to. I left SC very sad, with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat...as if something was left undone, yet knowing how the game was played....and that I could do nothing about it at all. Here I sit...almost 2 months later...feeling as if SC never happened. Feeling that my life there was almost a waste of time...and a waste of thousands of tears on people who never really cared to begin with.
I watched a show on TV tonight in which a woman put a gun in her jacket pocket and drove with plans to kill someone who'd done her wrong. When she walked through the door, hidden in the shadows, her phone rang...and her plan to kill someone was stalled due to an emergency concerning her 13 month old niece. She picked up her niece and took her back to her home. She sat her niece on the floor, draped her jacket on a chair, and went to get cookies and milk from the kitchen. When she returned to the room, her niece was holding the loaded gun in her hand.
It made me think of the things that we carry around inside us. The anger, pain...that we tote around with us everyday. Sure, we are adept at hiding these feelings, but after watching this...I thought about the way we hurt those we love by the bad things, feelings....that we carry around in our pockets.
In this moment, even my little toe is at peace...in complete happiness I sit and ponder the lessons learned from the heartache, worry, and sleepless nights that I experienced over the last year. Thankful that I left SC with a world of knowledge on life and relationships....and an ability to do something that I haven't been able to do for almost 4 years. From the pain of last year I learned....
to let go.
Of resentment that I'd held against the people who turned their backs on my mother...when they once called her "sister" or friend. For SO LONG I have held onto that and each time I saw certain people, I would cringe and literally bite holes in my cheeks from the hate I had toward them. I let go of the life sucking anger that I felt towards God for not giving us the chance to say a proper goodbye to my brother. I can't question Him anymore, because I am tired of feeling angry everytime I look at Ricky's picture. I let go of anger towards some of my mother's family for treating her like a second hand citizen all of her life. To let go....of the things that are out of my control. I learned that no matter what I say....what I do.... nothing EVER changes someone's feelings towards me.....but I should never let that make me be afraid to keep on keeping on;)
I ADORE who I am. I mess up...often. I do things that make even those who love me regardless, shake their heads in irritation. I am not perfect...and I find my own imperfections...endearing:) I laugh too loudly, I talk far too much, I go off in ADD tangents in nearly every moment of my day, I eat super fast and talk even faster, I am not a size 4, I have a big nose and a jiggly belly, I don't get manicures or get my hair done, I don't work out like I should, I blog entirely too much about things that no one really cares to read about....and I am not a good dancer.
I still sit in peace tonight....content with the life that is unfolding around me. Blessed to be surrounded by family who love me, and loved me even when I was a great big ball of anger and resentment. Blessed to have a friend who sticks to me like glue, no matter what;) Blessed to have two lovely kids who still kiss me goodbye in front of their friends. Blessed to have a hardworking husband who sees EVERY ONE of my faults...and loves me all the same. This blog is my thank you to God tonight...for giving me the strength to cry such happy tears...