"after a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security. you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child. you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain, for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. after a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much, so plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers. and you learn that you really can endure, you really are strong , you really do have worth and you learn and you learn...with every goodybye, you learn."
**I saw this on a friends page and it spoke to me:) thought I would share it. I've been dealing with a few losses in my life...not in the sense of a breathing death....but the end of something I have put a little bit of myself into over the past few years of my life. Many times I've reacted with the grief of a child.....stomping my feet and yelling to what felt like an empty room. Sometimes it was a struggle to remain true to myself and not jump on a bandwagon of what everyone else thought I should do. I've always been a free thinker, quite independent from the rest of the crowd.....and it's always been the thing about ME that I am most proud of. Over the past few weeks I've questioned myself, wondering if I should take the easy route, play the sheep, and put what matters most on the back burner. I've found myself wondering if I should just back down and not defend myself and let sleeping dogs....lie. Sure, there are many times that I regret opening my mouth in anger...and there are times that I regret confiding that anger to others who misconstrue every thought or feeling that I voice into something mean, underhanded, or horrible.
After a quick kick in the pants from someone I love very much, I shook my head free of the clouds and questions that were floating around in it and remembered that I am pretty darn incredible. I'm rarely one to question a decision or second guess myself...*but when I am wrong....I have no qualms admitting it, and thank God for those who forgive me when I am!*.... I've shaken myself free of second guessing and empty, meaningless musings....
I know in the heart of my heart...that I truly have planted my own garden. At times it may lie dormant....but the sun always finds its way out from behind the clouds......then again, my garden becomes lovely and full of life....and full of the things IN this life that make me happy.
I am leaving Columbia tomorrow, no longer with a heavy heart...but with a light on in my mind, knowing that I remain....ME. I like myself the way I am, and thanks to a little tweaking from an amazing pal *I love u L!*, tomorrow......TODAY....looks a whole lot brighter.