4.04.2005

down

feeling a bit out of sorts 2day. can't stop thinking about mom....keep thinking that this time last year
my mom only had a little over two weeks to live and i was living my life like she would never die. bothers
me to no end. i called her everyday even though all i could understand was *i love you too*...that was enough.
if only i could hear her mumble that again. i was there the entire week before she died...and i never talked to her
about dying...almost as like if i talked about it with her, i was giving her permission to die. silly i know, but i guess
no matter how it all ended, i would have regrets. the last word i heard her say was my name......when dad came to lead me out of the hospital all i did was give her a little hug and kiss and say i'll be back tomorrow. if i'd known that
15 minutes down the road we'd be called back b/c she was GONE, i wouldn't have left. i'd have hugged her tighter
looked at her longer. something. ANYTHING. augh i am going crazy 2day. if you can get to her, go hug yours
today. call her and tell her how much you love her. tell her she's the most beautiful woman in the world. hold
those hard worked hands and kiss them....tell her you're sorry for all the times you never said thank you. ask her to
hold you on her lap one more time in her rocking chair even though you're bigger than she is...think of all the things
you would say once she's gone...and say them now.......i miss you mom!!!!!!!

1 comment:

'tis me again (shell..lol) said...

trust me i kno how u feel...i miss her more than ever and the more i think of it i cant stand myself b/c i didnt get to see her as much as i wanted...gosh..i miss her TERRIBLY and its all catchin up...i have a pic of her and dad...in a cute lil flower frame...and i light a lil candle in front of it everynite i think of her...funny thing is is that it takes forever 4 it to burn out...and it might seem weird, but i think shes with me those times...its like i feel her sumtimes...and when i get to the point of givin up on everything i think of how hard she worked 4 everything she got in life, and how well and deeply respected she was...by literally everyone...dad misses her...i can tell it..i kno and understand he has sandra now, but idk its just the way he looks sometimes...i mean i kno she wasnt my mom but dang..she was the closes thing to it...she WAS my 2nd mama...and i loved her for it...i look back and think of all the goofy times we had, and all the times we went after cleanin the bank to get ice cream @ Spencer's(i think is the name)....but ya...idk just memories that will and can never fade away are always the best...the day mom told me she was gone i thought i had lost it...my life suddenly fell apart...all those night's of crying, praying to God to make her better to where she can be the same Carol i knew, all those days had suddenly, so quickly come to an end...its hard how life and death works when its unexpected...i mean after she passed i was doing terrible in school and i just was in an awful position...like i said even though she wasnt my blood mother, when she left it hit me hard...and at nights there are songs that remind me of her..little things that make me think back, make me loose it...its hard for me to even go to the grave 2 see her..it kills me...i kno wat u mean when u have ur rough days...i have them quite often and sumtimes more than others lately....i miss her too....very very much